I’m a white woman, married to a white man and we have a
brown baby. It’s pretty obvious that this child came to be ours through
adoption. It’s not a secret, you can ask me about it. In fact, I LOVE talking
about adoption. I’m not an expert by any means but it’s how God chose to build
our family and I enjoy sharing our story. I like that I can be a resource for
people considering adoption (or people who just want to know more) and I try to
keep it real and share the indescribable joys along with the painful, crappy
parts.
But … you knew there was going to be a but, right?... there
are some things that really shouldn’t be discussed in casual, just getting to
know you situations. I try not to be offended when people say unknowingly
hurtful things but honestly, sometimes one careless remark can leave a sting
that lasts for days.
So, since I know you don’t mean to hurt my feelings, I’d
like to guide you through some often asked questions and explain why they
should really be no-gos.
“Why did his real mom
give him up?”
There are a whole host of things
wrong with this sentence. First, I am his real mom. Birthmother or biological
mother are the terms used to describe the wonderful woman who gave birth to
him. Second, she didn’t “give him up.” She “placed him” with a loving family. It’s
an important distinction. Lastly, please understand this is a very personal
question and most of the time when I’m asked this I’m going to tell you, as
lovingly as possible, it’s none of your business. Every placement is different
but none of them are easy. We have an open adoption and have a great relationship
with our birthmom. It is not my place to share the details of most
heartbreaking experience of her life with you.
“Can you not have kids of your own?”
He is my own kid. I find it
impossible to believe anyone has ever loved a child more than I love this
little guy. It’s important to me (even though it shouldn’t matter what you
think) that you understand how much he is “my own.” We are mother and son in
every way that matters. And the other thing, do you really want to hear about
my journey of infertility? That’s another terribly personal aspect of my life
that I’m not ready to discuss with you in the checkout line at Publix. (If you
are struggling to get pregnant and need someone to talk to that’s been there
that is totally different.)
“Aren’t you afraid? I
have a friend who had this really terrible adoption experience…”
I don’t get this now that he’s home
with us and finalized but when we announced we were adopting this was a big
one. Honestly, yes. As potential adoptive parents, we are worried that
something is going to disrupt our adoptions before we get to bring the baby
home. But when you tell your friends that you’re pregnant do you want them to
start telling you about every miscarriage or birth defect story they have ever
heard? No. You want them to be happy for you. That’s all we want. The reality
is there are about 20,000 domestic infant adoptions in the US annually and less
than 1% go to court. We want our friends and family to be excited for us. If
the worst happens you can try to help us put the pieces of our hearts back
together the way we would try to help you if a miscarriage happened.
“How much did he
cost?”
Yes, adoption is expensive. Cost is
a valid concern if you’re considering adoption and I’d be happy to talk at
length about it. I can help get you in touch with grant agencies and give you
fundraising ideas. Let’s talk federal tax breaks over coffee. But “how much did
he cost?” makes him sound like a commodity. We don’t pay for a baby, we pay for
social workers and office space and phone lines and marketing and a million
other things that help facilitate a safe place for birth mothers to find loving
families for their precious children. Bottom line - my son is priceless!
“Oh my goodness! I
bet you get pregnant now!”
This isn’t one of those questions
that hurt me personally but I know a lot of women who still have very deep
wounds from infertility. Little fact – about 30% of infertility is
unexplainable. Meaning all the tests on mom and dad come back normal but for
some reason no baby happens. In these
cases, it’s not unheard of for unexpected pregnancies to happen after adoption.
The other 70% of us know why we aren’t able to get pregnant. If you don’t know
the situation you shouldn’t say anything. This adoptive mother may have had her
ovaries removed due to cancer. Or a hysterectomy. Or maybe she had no problem
getting pregnant but has suffered 6 miscarriages. Me personally, I don’t want
to get pregnant. Adoption is wonderful. I am fulfilled in ways I never imagined
I would be and I can’t even picture myself pregnant any more. Adoption is how
God chose for us to build our family. If He decides pregnancy is in the plans
for us I’ll manage but I think I would cry for a week before I got myself
together.
“Where is he from?”
This is kind of a trick question. I
have no problem answering where my child is from. To me it’s the same as asking
you what hospital you delivered at. The problem lies in what often comes next. “Oh,
I’m so glad you didn’t get a baby from somewhere else. There are so many
children here who need good homes.” Families adopt internationally because that’s
where God put their children.
“He’s so lucky to
have you.”
I am the lucky one. I hope that I
can give him a tenth of what he has brought into my life. I thank God ever
single night that He allows me to be his mother. That He’s allowing me to watch
this child grow into the person He’s created him to be. That He brought our
birthmother, Cati, into our lives. I am so undeserving of these blessings and
that makes me even more grateful.
Just try to remember that even though adoption
is somewhat of a novelty, I’m still just a mom. Hope this helps!
Jenn <3
