Thursday, August 16, 2012

What not to ask an adoptive parent...




I’m a white woman, married to a white man and we have a brown baby. It’s pretty obvious that this child came to be ours through adoption. It’s not a secret, you can ask me about it. In fact, I LOVE talking about adoption. I’m not an expert by any means but it’s how God chose to build our family and I enjoy sharing our story. I like that I can be a resource for people considering adoption (or people who just want to know more) and I try to keep it real and share the indescribable joys along with the painful, crappy parts.

But … you knew there was going to be a but, right?... there are some things that really shouldn’t be discussed in casual, just getting to know you situations. I try not to be offended when people say unknowingly hurtful things but honestly, sometimes one careless remark can leave a sting that lasts for days. 

So, since I know you don’t mean to hurt my feelings, I’d like to guide you through some often asked questions and explain why they should really be no-gos. 

“Why did his real mom give him up?”
There are a whole host of things wrong with this sentence. First, I am his real mom. Birthmother or biological mother are the terms used to describe the wonderful woman who gave birth to him. Second, she didn’t “give him up.” She “placed him” with a loving family. It’s an important distinction. Lastly, please understand this is a very personal question and most of the time when I’m asked this I’m going to tell you, as lovingly as possible, it’s none of your business. Every placement is different but none of them are easy. We have an open adoption and have a great relationship with our birthmom. It is not my place to share the details of most heartbreaking experience of her life with you. 

 “Can you not have kids of your own?”
He is my own kid. I find it impossible to believe anyone has ever loved a child more than I love this little guy. It’s important to me (even though it shouldn’t matter what you think) that you understand how much he is “my own.” We are mother and son in every way that matters. And the other thing, do you really want to hear about my journey of infertility? That’s another terribly personal aspect of my life that I’m not ready to discuss with you in the checkout line at Publix. (If you are struggling to get pregnant and need someone to talk to that’s been there that is totally different.) 

“Aren’t you afraid? I have a friend who had this really terrible adoption experience…”
I don’t get this now that he’s home with us and finalized but when we announced we were adopting this was a big one. Honestly, yes. As potential adoptive parents, we are worried that something is going to disrupt our adoptions before we get to bring the baby home. But when you tell your friends that you’re pregnant do you want them to start telling you about every miscarriage or birth defect story they have ever heard? No. You want them to be happy for you. That’s all we want. The reality is there are about 20,000 domestic infant adoptions in the US annually and less than 1% go to court. We want our friends and family to be excited for us. If the worst happens you can try to help us put the pieces of our hearts back together the way we would try to help you if a miscarriage happened. 

“How much did he cost?”
Yes, adoption is expensive. Cost is a valid concern if you’re considering adoption and I’d be happy to talk at length about it. I can help get you in touch with grant agencies and give you fundraising ideas. Let’s talk federal tax breaks over coffee. But “how much did he cost?” makes him sound like a commodity. We don’t pay for a baby, we pay for social workers and office space and phone lines and marketing and a million other things that help facilitate a safe place for birth mothers to find loving families for their precious children. Bottom line - my son is priceless!

“Oh my goodness! I bet you get pregnant now!”
This isn’t one of those questions that hurt me personally but I know a lot of women who still have very deep wounds from infertility. Little fact – about 30% of infertility is unexplainable. Meaning all the tests on mom and dad come back normal but for some reason no baby happens.  In these cases, it’s not unheard of for unexpected pregnancies to happen after adoption. The other 70% of us know why we aren’t able to get pregnant. If you don’t know the situation you shouldn’t say anything. This adoptive mother may have had her ovaries removed due to cancer. Or a hysterectomy. Or maybe she had no problem getting pregnant but has suffered 6 miscarriages. Me personally, I don’t want to get pregnant. Adoption is wonderful. I am fulfilled in ways I never imagined I would be and I can’t even picture myself pregnant any more. Adoption is how God chose for us to build our family. If He decides pregnancy is in the plans for us I’ll manage but I think I would cry for a week before I got myself together.

“Where is he from?”
This is kind of a trick question. I have no problem answering where my child is from. To me it’s the same as asking you what hospital you delivered at. The problem lies in what often comes next. “Oh, I’m so glad you didn’t get a baby from somewhere else. There are so many children here who need good homes.”   Families adopt internationally because that’s where God put their children. 

“He’s so lucky to have you.”
I am the lucky one. I hope that I can give him a tenth of what he has brought into my life. I thank God ever single night that He allows me to be his mother. That He’s allowing me to watch this child grow into the person He’s created him to be. That He brought our birthmother, Cati, into our lives. I am so undeserving of these blessings and that makes me even more grateful. 

Just try to remember that even though adoption is somewhat of a novelty, I’m still just a mom. Hope this helps!

Jenn <3

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